'Finding Balance'

You live a little. 
Do something exciting. 
                    Breathtaking fun. 
You're questioned. 
                    "What were you thinking?"
But, oh, I wasn't. 
                    "I was feeling."
You die a little. 
Do nothing different. 
                    Alone means safe. 
You're told. 
                    "This isn't you being happy."
You hide a little. 
Smiles outside, tears in the shower. 
                    Up and down, unstable. 
You're confused. 
                    "I miss you."
You wake a little. 
Steal kisses, accept hugs. 
                    Comfortable in company.
You're confronted. 
                    "I'm not leaving."
You're evolved. 
                    Yet evolving. 
Love isn't gone, it's changing. 
You crave a little. 
                    You breathe a little. 
You need a little. 
                    You're human. 
It's amazing to be you. 
To be wild and free but young and tame. 
                    To be alone. 
                    To be desired. 
To have the power to say No. 
To live a little, die a little, hide a little. 
                    And be found. 
To wake a little, crave a little, need a little. 
                    And be sound.
To have friendship. 
                    "You are magnanimous."
To have family. 
                    "You are beautiful."
To have yourself. 
                    "You are all."




28.3.12 ~ The Broken

'Endurance'

You run. 
And run and run and run. 
But still, you're tired. 
You work. 
And work and work and work. 
Yet still, you're poor. 
You teach. 
And teach and teach and teach. 
But still, you're learning. 
You try. 
And you keep trying. 
And trying and trying and trying. 
Never fulfilling.
Never stopping. 
                         Then finally. 
You lay. 
And lay and lay and lay. 
And still, you're tired. 
Stretched thin. 
And why? 
                         Good intentions. 


Sometimes good intentions let you down. 




26.3.12 ~ The Broken

'Best Wishes'

I keep searching for an explanation but he will never give me one. Somehow he helped me become who I am today, he inspired me to write and showed me what it's like to fall in love. I need to focus on the beautiful part of what we were, the laughter, the smiles, the love. They say every time you fall in love you fall deeper and after what I felt for him, I know there's plenty of beautiful memories on the horizon. 
That's what matters, the happiness, the satisfaction of knowing that despite all the pain our relationship lead to, a positive outcome will shine through. 
I could never be the person I dream of being whilst standing by his side, he would never understand the complexity that is my ambition and personality. I am type A, he is type B, and at the end of the day his simplicity would not fulfill my desires. 


All the best to a boy named "", may he learn from his mistakes, thrive on his successes and live a life full of happiness and lacking the 'normality' that will never be him. 




18.3.12 ~ The Broken. 

'An Afterthought For A Lost Friend'

I look at you and laugh. 
To think I admired you, 
Would of done anything for you. 
Would of sacrificed myself, 
Changed. With no compromise. 


I look and think, what happened? 
You have talent, you're not dumb, 
You are not ugly or friendless. 
Part of a family driven by love and passion, 
                             You are blessed. 


Then I think of your choices. 
Lack of commitment, perseverance, 
Work ethic, respect. 
Overdose of laziness and expectations. 
Images. 
A shallowness you hid for so long. 
                              You are changed. 


I look and you and smile. 
We could of had it all. 
Dream job, dream house, dream account; dream love. 
Your weakness overcame your strength. 
For that I am glad. 
I'll have all that and more. 
                               I'll have me. 


You are confusion, lies and deceit. 
You are pathetic, 
Afraid of a conversation with your first taste of love. 
Afraid of your once best friend. 
You are speechless. 
Afraid of a situation you created. 
The ending you wanted. 
Why so scared? 
                                I'm only me. 


Do me one last favour. 
Care
To pay me one last respect. 
Stop: 
Treating me like an invalid
Treading on broken glass
Pretending
Hiding. 
                                I've had enough of your empty smiles and words. 


Stop for a second and think of what we were, 
What we've become. 
The fact that soon we will be nothing
Because you didn't have the heart
To start a conversation. 


There was a time in our lives when 
We were all that mattered. 
We've reached a point where
To you, we don't matter at all. 


Grow up. 
Be a boy be a man
Be a lier be a cheat
Be whoever. 
Just don't forget to 
                              be a friend. 




18.3.12 ~ The Broken

'Open Fairytale'

It's so easy to talk to you
             So simple to say 'hello' 
And sprout a conversation that will 
Leave me with a smile. 
Casual compliments and silly jokes, 
But mostly just happiness, simplicity. 


It's so nice to talk to you, 
To feel desirable, attractive, 
Wanted. 
For a male, other than him or the 'friend' 
To make me believe for a moment 
             That I am beautiful.
I've been badly bruised, deeply, painfully, 
And despite that gradual healing 
My bruise keeps getting knocked. 


You are a shield, a suit of armour 
That won't let me get hurt. 
I pray you continue, say hello more often
Make me smile, and I'll do my best,


Knock my bruise, my strength will heal it. 
Make me cry, 
              My smile is bigger than my tears. 
There is a nasty man, 
              I am a princess. 
I give you permission to be my knight in shining armour. 


Come save me. 




13.3.12 ~ The Broken

'Being Honest'

Ask me if I'm okay
Today, my answer will be no.
But ask me again
Tomorrow. 
Change is on the horizon. 


6.3.12 ~ The Broken

'For A Team Mate'

 I'm not interested in being anybody's number.
Consider me points?
Guaranteed you won't score.
I'm not interested in being your pick of the night.
Consider me meat?
Guaranteed you'll go hungry.

I'll be your first choice.
Either the only one you want
                   Or the one you'll never get.
I'll be the one you can't have.
Maybe you'll want more. 
                   Maybe you'll forget.
Next number, not next girl, lady, women.

I'm not interested in being your locker room topic.
Personal details public.
Privacy unheard of, forgotten.
Don't make me your target,
I'm not giving you any bullseye.
Your dart would hit no board.

Take your aim.
Make your choice.
Am I a number or the number?
Love, like or lust?
Try honesty, mirrors.
Then decide.

Will it be happiness or satisfaction tonight?
Think carefully,
You could have it all one day
                   Or you could have nothing.


6.3.12 ~ The Broken

'A Significant Truth'

He is not better without you. That is a lie. The truth is that you're better without him. Remember that.


5.3.12 ~ The Broken

'Truths'

There are things in life we can't control.

The people we meet, the roll of a dice, the questions in a paper,

But there are ways to make the best of that which is most unexpected.

Go hard. Run until you collapse, then run some more. Cry until you can't breathe but then don't stop, crying helps us more than we realise. Laugh at the little things, laugh at things that go wrong. There is always something positive to take from our mistakes and downfalls. Express your emotions, whether it be to yourself in a journal, to your friends via facebook, or through long chats to the people you love in the wee hours of the morning.

Do your utmost to avoid bottling everything up. Sometimes we hide things, to avoid admitting the truth and crumbling, to avoid damaging pride or friendship. Cracking a bottle open, may help to distract you for a short while, let you have some fun, but cracking open your bottle of emotions may be that next step, the one thing you need to do to move forward.

Grief is a blessing. So often we see our emotions as a burden, but we were given the ability to feel. All the bad stuff, albeit difficult and scary, makes all the good shine that much brighter. Ther is no light without shadow, no happiness without risk. So take a risk, don't aim for that life of darkness.

There is no weakness in being afraid, in wanting to be safe. There is no shame in doubting the faint light at the end of the tunnel, it happens to the biggest and bravest of us. Every now and then we need to take a step back, look at out lives and acknowledge the great aspects, consider the not so great.

Sometimes I feel broken, like part of me is missing, gone, and that loss is my fault. Sometimes I feel that loss cannot possibly be replaced, never found. Despite the fact that healing may be possible, I see the scar as inevitable. Separating these thoughts from the great is beyond difficult, but some days I can do it, and these days are getting closer together.

I am beautiful and someone will fall in love with me when the time is right.
I am young, learning about myself and the world around me, ever ready to grow.
I am intelligent, able to do whatever I choose in this life.
I am blessed with family and friends worth more than any materialistic fortune.
I am broken and in pain.
But I can heal.
And I am free.


5.3.12 ~ The Broken