'Vent'

I feel like I'm trying too hard and I feel like I can't relax. Like everything I wanted is falling into place but none of it feels perfect, right. None of it feels secure. 

What are we doing? 

What do I hold on to? 

I'm so used to everything being chronological. This back to front and side ways method confuses the hell out of me. 

The worst part is not knowing what you're thinking. Not knowing how you feel. If you feel anything. If I'm reading into things too far. If I'm hoping for the best when I should be expecting the worst. 

Again. 

To be crushed like before, to have my confidence once again fall through. I don't think I could. I know I can't. 

Yet there's not a thing I can do about it. And I know you won't, Mister I Have No Confidence. You do you know, I think you'd surprise yourself. I think you sucked all mine straight out of me. Devoured every bit of self esteem with your kiss, dissolved every ounce of ability with your touch. 

I'm useless, 
             powerless to say no but petrified to say yes. Paranoid. In every way. 

Yet I go back. 

Again and again I return and every day I tell you more. Never what I really want to say. Never what I want. 

Expectations and reputations. 

And I'm left with you and the unquestionable. Typical. 

The hardest part is that I want more. 

The worst part is that you might too. 


18.7.12 ~ The Tainted