Happy Sad Thoughts

That feeling where your heart skips a beat,

You smile from thoughts,
Giggle from messages.
Where you feel a need to check your phone so often,
A longing to see them, him.
A simple touch brings excitement,
Small signs appear big.
Sometimes nervous,
Sometimes bold,
It doesn’t matter because they feel the same.
(You think.)
Small confessions.
Inner smiles and contained joy.
Pleasures, simple.
Pain, absent.
Sparks become fireworks.
Your heart says yes,
          Your heart is pleased.
Your head holds doubt,
          Your head knows pain.
Past lies confuse future trust.
Now more important,
          More treasured.
He’ll understand the leftovers.
(You hope.)
Fun sounds so wonderful.
          But, many questions.
Is it only fun? 
Sure there’s more though fun is easier.
          Sometimes hard is worth it.
But:
          You’re unsure,
          You keep doubting yourself,
          Doubting your own judgement as last time you couldn’t of been more wrong,
          Doubting your own allure as last time you couldn’t of felt more dull,
You ponder.
Should I, shouldn’t I?
Options:
          Commit to one, take a risk,
          Have fun with a few, risk and worry free.
The ever present voice in your head:
          “Are you ready?”
You are torn.
          Part one: Easy, yes.
          Part two: Easy, no.
A decision must come.
Priorities:
          Happiness for you,
          Truth for him,
          Honesty for the both of you.
You cannot, will not, pretend.
Afraid to hold on.
What of falling?
Desperate desires:
          Believe sweet words,
          Be smitten,
          Blush with confidence.
In wriggles doubt.
Backward steps and indecision.

There are days all he wants is you, days he barely speaks. Often drinking reveals cold hard truth, and although these truths have so far remained warm, there are only a few. He hardly knows you, so why does he want to see you so badly? Surely when he says he likes you, he means what he sees, not feels? You believe so, you just don’t know it.

You reach a point.

Doubt overwhelming, you must not let it consume you. Drowning is not an option,
To be lost and sad and confused.
Allow yourself,
Be found and happy.
Yes:
          Confusion will remain.
          Hurt will return.
          Love may blossom.
Fleeting or full, love is beautiful,
Human and craved.

We fear love as we fear losing love but to let love go is to lose.

And so albeit scary and confronting and downright unstable, you decide to take a risk. You dive into the deep end and swim like Libby Trickett. Get lost in this world, and be found in a new one all together. Liberate, and in yourself liberate another.

The Broken ~ 9.4.12/24.4.12

Dragonfly Part II

Today was a good day. 
I saw the sun rise, 
Smelt the morning dew, 
Felt the sting of the coming season. 
You were a single thought, 
                       An epiphany. 
Neither painful nor pleasing. 
Gifted smiles, I was flattered. 
Rewarded where praise was due. 
Tired, but full of life,
                       Down, but ready for up. 
An old passion inspired though a recent hobby, 
An old confidence reborn through a private performance, 
An old love reinforced though a new collection, 
An ancient peace rediscovered through 
                       Tears, thoughts and words. 
Today was a good day, 
I started a fresh as 
A part of me was discarded. 
I started a new as 
                       A part was found. 
An old line repeated through a sudden inspiration, 
An inner spirit risen through a mentor's words. 
All with your absence, 
                       The most positive of voids. 


Yet, overcome with fatigue, 
I fall. 




16.4.12/17.4.12 ~ The Broken

'Disney'

Quiet, like an angel you can drift, 
Fly.
Float in. A bubble of happy, a bottle of love. 

You are a fairy, 

Delicate, beautiful, kind and true. 

There are days help doesn't seem real. 

But your words are, 

I can see them, read them, hear them. 

I can smile. 

You are a toffee, 
Sweet, strong, moreish, colourful. 
Bright as the sun your cheeks glow. 
Refreshing. You don't even know it. 
There are times freedom doesn't feel possible. 
But you are that. 
I can reveal, sing, dance, play. 

We are children. 

You remind me of a time when nothing mattered but fun. 
When being high was on top of the monkey bars,
Too much sugar. 
When love meant mum and dad, 
Kiss chasey. 
Sex meant boy or girl, cooties and germs. 
Discrimination was a myth. 
Equality was no goal, only truth. 

You are a teenager, 

Happy, sad, confident, confused. 

Normal if there were ever such a quality. 

Unique if there were ever someone different. 

Loyal, there is no better type. 

Fly and float. 
Don't change, grow. 
Don't forget, learn. 
Friendship, be it a return ticket, 
Sometimes cheap, sometimes expensive. 
A holiday, an experience, always worth it. 
To you, time won't matter. 
This will last. 

Subtle, like the leaves blowing in the wind

Or bold, like a leaf's crunch, 

You will make a difference

And you will be irreplaceable. 

5.4.12 ~ The Broken

'So I Can Smile'

I'm sorry I didn't have time for you, 
That when exams loomed closer,
               You were pushed further. 
And every time I freaked out, 
                              Stressed out, 
                              Broke down, 
                              Lost hope, 
You were the one I leaned on. 
You copped my moody fears, 
               And you held me up despite everything. 


I'm sorry you got lost, we got lost.
That somewhere along the line 'We' became 
               'You' and 'Me', separated. 
And you felt like you couldn't confide. 
                              Couldn't tell. 
                              Couldn't hold on. 
                              Couldn't stay true. 


I'm sorry I was angry, 
That at first I didn't believe. 
The truth of the matter is we were both wrong. 
                              You lied. 
                              You played. 
                              I pushed. 
Love strayed. 
I now realize that was inevitable, right. 


I'm sorry we're not friends. 
That - I don't understand. 
It is possible to have male female friendship. 
                              Have fun. 
                              Tell stories. 
                              Spend time. 
               No heartache is required. 
Possible, but complicated. 
Reality is hard. 


I'm sorry that I miss you, 
That we don't converse, 
And that our unique connection is fuzzy, 
                              Cut off. 


I've reached the point where 
I am happy with you gone. 
I don't need your sloppy kisses, 
               You have a new home. 
You are not the boy I became single for. 
               I am not that pretty emo girl. 
Once each other's worlds, 
               Now worlds apart. 
                              
                              But a memory and a familiar face. 


The fact of the matter is I'll always love you. 
The truth of the matter is I'm just not in love with you anymore. 




4.4.12 ~ The Broken